Tag: mental health

I’ll be there for you…👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

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The whole point of my blog is to show other people, like me, dealing with anxiety and/or depression that we can do better than just “survive,” we deserve to thrive. So let’s start the day off right and wake up bright-eyed and bushy tailed, or let’s just get out of bed a little easier.

I’ve talked before about how sometimes our feelings get labeled and we just run with it, in the wrong direction. I used to watch Friends reruns every night to fall asleep. Umm…for about 6 years. This behavior could maybe be seen as “Obsessive Compulsive” and considering my dads obsessive discipline and eating disorders running in my family, it’s not that far off that I might have similar behaviors. But I had heard the words “Obsessive Compulsive,” and I was basically scared into thinking I HAD to do this every night to fall asleep.

“Bed time,” is when my anxiety really rears it’s ugly head, I imagine that’s the same for a lot of people. When I was younger I had an overwhelming fear that my house was going to be broken into and the burglar would murder my parents, and other similar variations of that scenario. I suppose when my mind has a chance to quiet, that’s when all the thoughts, “what if..,” “remember when..,” “what did I say?” come into my mind. But if I fed into my “Obsessive Compulsive” behavior, my mind could be distracted from my own thoughts. Maybe true. Maybe not. Just about every bed time study suggests that watching TV while you fall asleep is to advisable. According to the National Sleep Institute, the blue light from your TV (phone, tablet, whatever) can delay the onset of REM which is when you are in your deepest sleep. Not getting enough REM sleep can cause you to feel drowsy in the morning. And for people like me, with depression, I already have enough trouble getting up in the morning, I don’t need to be feeling drowsy too! So did I spend 5+ years not getting optimal sleep? Probably. Did that have to happen? Probably not. But I was convinced I need to maintain this behavior. Flash forward to now. I sleep with my girlfriend, who does not want to watch Friends reruns ever, much less just before bed. So guess what? I fall asleep just find without the TV.

Ok. Pause. Don’t panic. I know being alone with our own thoughts can be scary and certainly anxiety provoking. How can you keep your mind occupied but quiet at the same time? Think good thoughts. Obviously easier said than done, but let me tell you how I can do it.

  1. Let yourself think about feel the thoughts in your head. Ok. Full stop. This sounds scary and maybe like a bad idea, but hear me out. All anxiety is not bad, we know that. It’s part of our instincts that help us to survive. Anxiety disorders are the disproportionate feeling of this emotion. So back to the point, these thoughts are not all bad. So if Im going to bed, if I have these running thoughts of anxiety, I think them, or sometimes I write them down. To me, it signals to my brain, “Ok I hear you.” Acknowledge the feelings and know that you can address them at another time.
  2. Think good thoughts. Remember the things you are grateful for. Even if they are small things from that day, or an overall gratefulness for something you have in your life. Maybe 3-5 things. Think them. Think of the people associated with them and the feelings you feel.
  3. Believe you can fall asleep. Give yourself a chance to do it too. Get comfortable, close your eyes, and think to yourself, “I am falling asleep.” If you get into bed already thinking you won’t be able to do it, you are doomed from the start. And if you don’t give you self a change to even try, well you guessed it. You’re doomed. Believe it or not, you control your own thoughts, and your thoughts control your actions. It’s that simple.

Take control of your thoughts. Acknowledge the thoughts, even the ones that suck, and then change them. You have this ability, everyone does. And if you practice you will get better at it. Let me tell you an example:

My common anxiety thought before bed: Someone is going to break in and try to kill me or my family.

How I change it: Someone could try to break in, but I’ve locked the doors, I have set the alarm, and the dogs would bark if they tried. And it’s been 30 years and it’s never happened so I should be good tonight.

I’m acknowledging the fear, addressing that I’ve taken the reasonable and logical steps and thinking positively. Not too hard!

You have the power to direct your thoughts to positivity and to sleep (and to conquering you’re fears, accomplishing your goals, etc. but save that for another time.)

And like I always say, if you don’t get it one night, and you turn on your blue light of comfort, oh well! You’ll wake up maybe not as refreshed or whatever, but you’ll try again the next night. This is all about progress, not perfection. If you are trying to improve your sleep habits, you are already doing better than you were doing yesterday! And this is just the beginning of getting to the part where you are thriving and not just surviving!

SWEET DREAMS!

Silver Lining

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I got off track. And guess what happened? I lost my mojo. I was not consistently completing my “5 Little Things” and now they are harder to do. The thing I really fell off on was reading everyday. The silver lining here is that I really see the value in reading everyday now. When I’m not feeding my mind I had less to write. My inspiration was not being sparked. I didn’t have any new ideas. Mostly I felt guilty that I had started this project of writing a blog to share my story with you, and I couldn’t stay consistent. But I also thought, “great, another thing I started and couldn’t finish because it got hard.” Story of my life: when the going gets tough…just forget about it. I’d need a whole other website to list the things that I’ve started and quit. But we cannot dwell on the past. What’s done is done. This is something I feel like I do a good job of believing. I realize it can be difficult for many. We cannot continue to punish ourselves for things not, or no longer, in our control. All we can do is manage our actions going forward. For example, because I stopped reading consistently I probably have not made the process in myself or my business and I’ve neglected my blog. The consequences: I probably won’t show up on any “mental health” blog discovery pages anytime soon, I could’ve lost a sale because I haven’t spent time developing my business skills. I could’ve messed up in my relationships because I haven’t been developing my interpersonal skills, etc. A whole slue of things could or couldn’t have happened because I neglected one of my 5 little things for a month.

Finding the silver lining is something I think I have been gifted with. With anxiety and depression this can be very difficult. Anxiety makes me think of all the possible outcomes and often focus on the worst outcomes. Depression makes me dwell on the negative things that have happened or might happen. Focusing on the negative can actually be toxic for our brains, according to Dr. Caroline Leaf, in her book, Think Lean Succeed. Believe it or not we have the power to decide what thoughts we allow into our minds. “The thoughts we focus on will grow,” Dr. Leaf says, so our challenge is NOT to focus on the negative thoughts that are constantly clouding our anxious and depressed minds. If you can find a way to focus on the positive or the silver lining, your positive thoughts will grow and you will pay less mind (literally spend less of your limited mental cash) on the negative thoughts. 

So now what?

Well I could sit here and feel sorry for myself. Punish myself for my lack of discipline, but what will that achieve? Often depression or anxiety lets us punish ourselves for far too long. We feel the guilt and regret so deeply and for so long. But in the journey to better ourselves we must remember the we are only moving forward and not looking backward. And maybe, if you are lucky, you can me the silver lining. In my case, my lack of self discipline gave me something to write about. See? Silver lining. So now I recommit to my goal. I will read everyday. I will do my best. Hopefully reading everyday will help me to write more, and if not I will have to come up with another plan.

The moral of the story was started by a friendly warthog:

You gotta put your behind in the past.

Pumba

When I am setting goals it is easy to think of other times I have failed and use those as reasons to limit myself. But we can never make improvements to our personal lives if we limit ourselves based on the results we’ve had in the past. We have to take risks. You have to focus on the positive. I may have neglected my reading for a month, but in the past 3 months I’ve probably read more books than I’ve read in my entire adult life. So that’s something to be proud of, I think. Set a goal, strive for it with all your might, and if you miss, pull up your boot straps and try again. But in the meantime, remind yourself that you have made progress in your efforts to go after the goal in the first place.

WHAT? HOW? WHY? And Oprah

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I feel like it was time to set up my future, so I set a goal. My goal was independence.

Beyonce

The truth is, you probably already know WHAT to do to accomplish your goals. You’ve probably seen others around you complete these goals (sometimes with ease, frustrating I know) or similar goals. The WHAT is usually pretty obvious, or easy to Google. What I struggle with is the HOW. HOW can I accomplish WHAT I need to if I am lacking the confidence, the desire, the will power, etc? Then sometimes you need to dig into your WHY to figure out the HOW.

HOW?

We will get to WHY, but first I was to conquer HOW. HOW can I accomplish WHAT I need to when the urge to do nothing is overwhelming? Have you ever seen anyone else accomplish the same goals you are going after, and thought to yourself, “What do they have that I don’t have?” Well, here is the answer: NOTHING. Literally, nothing. No successful person has anything that you don’t have, I promise. Let’s think about what successful people “look like.” They are confident, they are driven, they have good habits, and they have perseverance (to name a few.) All of these skills are LEARNED. Yeah, Oprah, not born that way baby. And sometimes these skills seem unnatural to ourselves so we need to create an alter ego. Beyonce created Sasha Fierce because she knew she need to become someone else on stage to achieve the success she was looking for. It is not necessary to overthrow your whole self, I am still “me,” but at times I need to put on my Oprah hat and get shit done.

So confidence. How do we learn it? Think of a time when you felt confident. What was going on at that time? Were you having a good hair day? Had you just accomplished something you set out to do? Focus on the thing that made you feel this way. What skills do you possess that made it possible? You have to be able to celebrate you victories, often. Small and big victories alike. A little thing that gives me confidence is looking good. That’s why getting dressed is on my list of “5 little things” (see link to previous post.) I feel confident when my clothes fit and my hair and make-up are done. And I’m good at those things, so acknowledging that skill is also important. I don’t have any special training for hair and make-up. Several years ago I had to do my own hair for my sister’s wedding, so before that I asked my hair stylist to teach me how to curl my own hair, and I’ve watched a few YouTube videos about natural eye make-up. See? I don’t have any skill that you can’t have. I had access to learn the things that would make me feel confident. Another thing I focus on when I am honing in on my self confidence, is that I have always been successful in getting jobs. This is not cocky. I have certainly had my challenges and I have been turned down for many positions. But in the past 10 years I have moved jobs and cities a few times and I have always been able to get a job, eventually. This reminds me that I have skills that are desirable to employers. I also have been able to get jobs slightly above my skill set, which means to me that employers also see that I have the ability to learn and something about my personality is also desirable. Like any learned skill, confidence has to be practiced OFTEN. This can manifest in many different ways. However you practice this, remember to focus on the things that surrounded the time you felt most confident, AND if you can recreate anything about that time, DO IT.

Next I touch on habits, but I have a whole post on it, so go check out “5 Little Things.” But again, habits are learned. You didn’t come out of the womb brushing your teeth twice a day, did you? no! Your parents, or whomever, taught you and encouraged you to repeat it until it became a habit. So what are some common habits of successful people?

  • organization
  • taking action, quickly and often before they think they are ready
  • personal care
  • positive attitude
  • networking
  • frugality
  • rising early
  • sharing/giving back
  • reading
  • practicing gratitude

Some of you already employ many of these habits, but the others can be adapted by practice and consistency. For me, I am already pretty organized, I usually have a glass half full kind of attitude, and I am good at sharing and giving back. But, mornings are my nemesis and frugality is like a bad word to me. Networking makes my anxiety skyrocket too. Here is the thing, any learned behavior can be incorporated into your life through practice and repetition. Even things that make you anxious or nervous, through repetition can eventually feel more natural. I like to add the habits that I desire to my “5 Little Things” in order to develop them.

My OPRAH Hat

We all know the people we look up to, the people whose success we admire. Honestly, my idol is my dad, not only for his success, but for his generosity, and immense love for his family. But you all know who Oprah is so we will stick with her or this exercise. Oprah has an empire. Do you think she got there by doing what she always did, or by what everyone else does? Obviously not. One thing I admire so much about successful people is they don’t take shit from no one (fully aware that is grammatical garbage, but I feel like you have to say it that way.) This is a skill I do not possess. Imagine all the times she heard no, or people told her she couldn’t do it. Or even years into her success in 2004 when she wanted to give away 276 cars away to her entire studio audience, don’t you think so one on her team was like, “um…that’s crazy!” And she said “I don’t care, that’s what I’m going to do,” and so she did! That ability to be so obsessed with your goal (in this case, massive generosity) that you don’t care what the naysayers say is a quality of all successful people. This is NOT a skill I have. My anxiety is so tightened at any moment of confrontation, so when I get into these moments where I have to stand up for myself, I imagine “what would Oprah do?” Anytime I need to negotiate anything I need my Oprah hat or else I am at risk of being totally taken advantage of, and trust me, it’s happened. Or God forbid I have to talk to someone on the phone! Do you think Oprah made any million dollar deals over text message? Doubtful! Moral of the story here is, if there is a skill or a characteristic that you think you need but it doesn’t feel natural, consider how someone else embodies that thing and channel them.

WHY?

Finally, we come to WHY. So we already know HOW to get to our goals, and WHAT we need to do to get there. That’s the easy part for a lot of people. But what about the 46 million people who suffer from common mental illnesses? It’s not so easy. WHY am I going to get out of bed to accomplish what I need to? This is why I need to be clear on my WHY. My WHY is bigger than me, it’s bigger than my desire to accomplish any goal. WHY is what drives me to get out of bed, to get uncomfortable, to put on my Oprah hat. You have to figure out your WHY in order to get through the HOW and the WHAT. Think about what wakes you up in the morning, what makes your smile, what is important to you. Those are the things that give us a reason WHY. Anytime the going gets tough, or you can’t get through WHAT you need to do, sometimes your HOW will manifest in you WHY. HOW can you make it through the toughest of times, to push through the sucky times you have to focus on your WHY, while employing the tools of your HOW. It’s not complicated, but it’s also not easy. But the tools are here.

5 Little Things

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You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. the secret of your success is found in your daily routine.

John C. Maxwell

It’s not all unicorns and butterflies. Yes, I have figured out a way to not limit myself or my goals, but boy do I still have bad days. Days when I’m exhausted before I even get out of bed, or I’m overwhelmingly sad or anxious. Days when I do not want to get out of bed. But staying in bed isn’t going to get me to my goals. So I have 5 things that I have to do everyday to make me feel like I have accomplished what I need to in a day, in order to get to my ultimate goals. So how did I choose the 5 little things?

  1. Don’t include things that are already habits. I already brush my teeth everyday so it does not need to be on MY list.
  2. Think of things you would like to make habits.
  3. Think of things that are building blocks to getting to your goals.
  4. Be realistic. Think of things you can accomplish EVERYday.
  5. Remember to do things for yourself.

A good way to start this process is to think of a day that was a really good day for you. What things did you accomplish that made it a good day. Eliminate the things that are already habits. Take a look at what is left. Which of these tasks are related to your ultimate goal? If you are still over 5 tasks, think of the goals your want to accomplish first. And finally, WRITE THEM DOWN.

  1. DRINK MY KETO COFFEE: This task gets me out of bed, assessment in my weight loss, and gives me energy for my day.
  2. COMPLETE ONE CLEANING CHORE: This task helps me and my household. I am a firm believer that a clean home helps clear your mind, plus it’s generally good for your well being to live in a clean space. AND I have 3 dogs and a cat, there is a lot of hair.
  3. GET DRESSED: I have a full time job, but I also have a side hustle that I work from home. I love to be comfortable, I love to be in my PJs. But if I stay in my PJs I tend to stay in bed, and inevitably nap on and off all day. In order to reach my financial goals and complete my other daily tasks, I must get dressed.
  4. READ (OR LISTEN): My aunt, who I admire very much for many reasons including her professional acclaims, once told me “Leaders are readers.” Most of my life, I have hated reading, I always fell asleep and I was so slow. The number of books that I’ve read, cover to cover, every word, was probably 5. No joke. Forever, I convinced myself that reading was hard and boring, until I started doing it consistently. Now I read everyday, non-fiction for now, self-help for the most part. Things that I feel will empower me, or give me new skills. My commitment is to read 10 pages or 15 minutes everyday. Reading is a skill that can be developed and the benefits to reading are endless. Heck! It’s was reading 1 book that got me started on this path to entrepreneurship.
  5. GO OUTSIDE: Everyday I just get outside. Now I certainly don’t mean I need to go out into the wilderness. I mean just stepping foot outside my door and if I’m lucky into the sunlight. Getting outside is the first step to getting many things done in my day.

These 5 little things are not groundbreaking, but they make me feel good and inch me closer to my larger goals. They are 5 things that I can totally get done in any day, even one that feels overwhelming. There is no timeline to these tasks. You have all day (I mean I try to drink my coffee in the morning, and generally get dressed before going outside). Just get them done EVERYday however you can.

Re-evaluate the 5 things every once in awhile. Again there is no timeline. See what things have turned into habits and replace those tasks with something new, or recommit to a habit you feel is slipping away.

Finally, 100% success, EVERYday is the goal, but not crucial. Look I get it, there are days when nothing feels possible, but having these 5 little things is somewhere to start. And if you miss 1 or 2 thins in one day, “oh well!” The world will not end! You are not a failure, you are HUMAN! Try again the next day.

Let’s recap!

  • 5 things you want to do everyday
  • try to complete them everyday
  • if you do do them one day, forgive yourself
  • when you finish your tasks each day, congratulate yourself, be proud. Tell your best friend, your spouse, your dog, ME, that you did it!
Look at me, completing two tasks at once! 2 birds, 1 stone!

I have to give myself credit. I am capable of much more than I expected. Mostly because I didn’t even give myself a chance to try.

Let’s do this!

Featured lexxy5231 Comment

At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.

Albert Schweitzer

When I was 16 years old, my, then 59 year old, mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. After going through medical school with two kids, raising four, and starting the first all female OBGYN practice in the DMV, she was faced with early retirement. This tragic news came along a least 10 year into my battle over anxiety and depression. 

For 20 years I have been in and out of therapy, and at different levels of “medicated.” I have been very fortunate to have excellent mental care (mostly) and I have responded well to medication. But I am here now because I think we’ve set the bar too low. Why should “our” goals be any smaller or any different than anyone else? Therapy teaches you to celebrate the little victories. You got out of bed this morning? Good for you! You took a shower today? Bravo! Don’t get me wrong, we should be celebrating the baby steps out of the darkness. But why do we stop there?

I am here to tell you we CAN and we SHOULD set the bar higher for ourselves. This is my experience of learning to set goals and have big dreams. I will be challenging myself to not only get out of bed in the morning, but to improve my business, my health, and my relationships. There is no limit to what I can do!

My hope for you is that you can see through my journey that not only is there a light at the end of the tunnel, but that light is abundant.