I feel like it was time to set up my future, so I set a goal. My goal was independence.
Beyonce
The truth is, you probably already know WHAT to do to accomplish your goals. You’ve probably seen others around you complete these goals (sometimes with ease, frustrating I know) or similar goals. The WHAT is usually pretty obvious, or easy to Google. What I struggle with is the HOW. HOW can I accomplish WHAT I need to if I am lacking the confidence, the desire, the will power, etc? Then sometimes you need to dig into your WHY to figure out the HOW.
HOW?
We will get to WHY, but first I was to conquer HOW. HOW can I accomplish WHAT I need to when the urge to do nothing is overwhelming? Have you ever seen anyone else accomplish the same goals you are going after, and thought to yourself, “What do they have that I don’t have?” Well, here is the answer: NOTHING. Literally, nothing. No successful person has anything that you don’t have, I promise. Let’s think about what successful people “look like.” They are confident, they are driven, they have good habits, and they have perseverance (to name a few.) All of these skills are LEARNED. Yeah, Oprah, not born that way baby. And sometimes these skills seem unnatural to ourselves so we need to create an alter ego. Beyonce created Sasha Fierce because she knew she need to become someone else on stage to achieve the success she was looking for. It is not necessary to overthrow your whole self, I am still “me,” but at times I need to put on my Oprah hat and get shit done.
So confidence. How do we learn it? Think of a time when you felt confident. What was going on at that time? Were you having a good hair day? Had you just accomplished something you set out to do? Focus on the thing that made you feel this way. What skills do you possess that made it possible? You have to be able to celebrate you victories, often. Small and big victories alike. A little thing that gives me confidence is looking good. That’s why getting dressed is on my list of “5 little things” (see link to previous post.) I feel confident when my clothes fit and my hair and make-up are done. And I’m good at those things, so acknowledging that skill is also important. I don’t have any special training for hair and make-up. Several years ago I had to do my own hair for my sister’s wedding, so before that I asked my hair stylist to teach me how to curl my own hair, and I’ve watched a few YouTube videos about natural eye make-up. See? I don’t have any skill that you can’t have. I had access to learn the things that would make me feel confident. Another thing I focus on when I am honing in on my self confidence, is that I have always been successful in getting jobs. This is not cocky. I have certainly had my challenges and I have been turned down for many positions. But in the past 10 years I have moved jobs and cities a few times and I have always been able to get a job, eventually. This reminds me that I have skills that are desirable to employers. I also have been able to get jobs slightly above my skill set, which means to me that employers also see that I have the ability to learn and something about my personality is also desirable. Like any learned skill, confidence has to be practiced OFTEN. This can manifest in many different ways. However you practice this, remember to focus on the things that surrounded the time you felt most confident, AND if you can recreate anything about that time, DO IT.
Next I touch on habits, but I have a whole post on it, so go check out “5 Little Things.” But again, habits are learned. You didn’t come out of the womb brushing your teeth twice a day, did you? no! Your parents, or whomever, taught you and encouraged you to repeat it until it became a habit. So what are some common habits of successful people?
- organization
- taking action, quickly and often before they think they are ready
- personal care
- positive attitude
- networking
- frugality
- rising early
- sharing/giving back
- reading
- practicing gratitude
Some of you already employ many of these habits, but the others can be adapted by practice and consistency. For me, I am already pretty organized, I usually have a glass half full kind of attitude, and I am good at sharing and giving back. But, mornings are my nemesis and frugality is like a bad word to me. Networking makes my anxiety skyrocket too. Here is the thing, any learned behavior can be incorporated into your life through practice and repetition. Even things that make you anxious or nervous, through repetition can eventually feel more natural. I like to add the habits that I desire to my “5 Little Things” in order to develop them.
My OPRAH Hat
We all know the people we look up to, the people whose success we admire. Honestly, my idol is my dad, not only for his success, but for his generosity, and immense love for his family. But you all know who Oprah is so we will stick with her or this exercise. Oprah has an empire. Do you think she got there by doing what she always did, or by what everyone else does? Obviously not. One thing I admire so much about successful people is they don’t take shit from no one (fully aware that is grammatical garbage, but I feel like you have to say it that way.) This is a skill I do not possess. Imagine all the times she heard no, or people told her she couldn’t do it. Or even years into her success in 2004 when she wanted to give away 276 cars away to her entire studio audience, don’t you think so one on her team was like, “um…that’s crazy!” And she said “I don’t care, that’s what I’m going to do,” and so she did! That ability to be so obsessed with your goal (in this case, massive generosity) that you don’t care what the naysayers say is a quality of all successful people. This is NOT a skill I have. My anxiety is so tightened at any moment of confrontation, so when I get into these moments where I have to stand up for myself, I imagine “what would Oprah do?” Anytime I need to negotiate anything I need my Oprah hat or else I am at risk of being totally taken advantage of, and trust me, it’s happened. Or God forbid I have to talk to someone on the phone! Do you think Oprah made any million dollar deals over text message? Doubtful! Moral of the story here is, if there is a skill or a characteristic that you think you need but it doesn’t feel natural, consider how someone else embodies that thing and channel them.
WHY?
Finally, we come to WHY. So we already know HOW to get to our goals, and WHAT we need to do to get there. That’s the easy part for a lot of people. But what about the 46 million people who suffer from common mental illnesses? It’s not so easy. WHY am I going to get out of bed to accomplish what I need to? This is why I need to be clear on my WHY. My WHY is bigger than me, it’s bigger than my desire to accomplish any goal. WHY is what drives me to get out of bed, to get uncomfortable, to put on my Oprah hat. You have to figure out your WHY in order to get through the HOW and the WHAT. Think about what wakes you up in the morning, what makes your smile, what is important to you. Those are the things that give us a reason WHY. Anytime the going gets tough, or you can’t get through WHAT you need to do, sometimes your HOW will manifest in you WHY. HOW can you make it through the toughest of times, to push through the sucky times you have to focus on your WHY, while employing the tools of your HOW. It’s not complicated, but it’s also not easy. But the tools are here.
To the Limit 