Category: goal setting

Not so tough love.

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There is a trend going on in my industry that I’m going to call “tough love.” Let me start by saying that two years ago I never would’ve listen to a self-development podcast or read a self-development book, but now I can absolutely attest to the effectiveness of self reflection and self development. Recently, the material that I’ve been exposed to has been kind of “aggressive,” for lack of a better term. I totally get the benefits and reasons behind tough love. Being direct and honest is important, but I think we can do it with some compassion too. I thought today, while on my walk, listening to my daily podcast, “why is this guy yelling at me?” Look, I know the motivational speaker on the other end is not yelling at me, and I know he was just trying to get me to be honest with myself about where I stand in my life and my career. But it occurred to me that most of the podcasts I had listened to in the past few weeks sounded kind of similar. 

As someone with anxiety, depressions, and issues with confrontation and authority, this is not the most effective way to coach me or teach me anything. I figure there must be other people out there who feel the same way as me. So here is what I propose. Comment on this post about topics you would like to hear about. Leadership, coaching, training, habit forming, goal setting, etc. Topics you have maybe heard on other “BOSS BABE” podcasts or blogs, but you didn’t respond to them in a positive way. I’d love to give you my prospective to help all the entrepreneurs out there who need some “tough love” but mixed in with some compassion and grace.  

I live by the phrase “progress not protection” and that’s what my whole blog has focused on and it will continue to be that way. 

Honest self-reflection is a critical part of making positive changes and adjustments in your life and your business. But how can we do this without being so hard on ourselves? Here is a great tool that I learned. Look at your business, your relationship, your job, your physical fitness from an outside perspective. Would you hire you? Would you want to date you? Would you follow you on social media. Outside affirmation and belief is so powerful and can be so useful in building your confidence self-worth, but it’s the affirmation from within that will change the game. But how do we answer these questions honestly, without being hurtful or too hard on ourselves?

Let’s take a look at the first example: would you hire you? Maybe you’ve never had to hire someone in a business before or conduct an interview, but I think it’s fair to say that you know what an employer is looking for in a “good” employee. Things like: punctuality, consistency, accuracy, dependability, also your attitude, demeanor, being a good conversationalist, and of course your credentials. In an effort to be as objective as possible give yourself a score or a grade in the areas that are pertinent to your job. I own my own business so for me it looks like this. 

1-very bad to 10 – very good

Dependability: 6

Accuracy: 8

Punctuality: 10

Consistency: 4

Attitude: 6

Communication skills: 9

Okay, let’s start with these. I have some highs and some lows. My accuracy, punctuality, attitude, and communication skills all score pretty highly in my mind. But maybe I need to work on my dependability and consistency. Would you want to hire someone who was not dependable or consistent or had a bad attitude? Probably not. So the answer to my question is “no, I would not hire me.” Ouch. Right? But, here is the thing. Maybe you wouldn’t hire yourself today, but you’ve already identified the areas in which you can improve. AND I bet you gave yourself a couple of high scores too so way to go!!! Yes we want to score 10’s across the board and we can definitely get there, but you have identified your weak points and can focus on improvement there first. 

So now, let’s dive a little deeper into the areas we may need to improve. Ask yourself and even ask your friends or loved ones: how am I dependable and how can I improve? For me, if I asked my friends and family they would tell me I am dependable in that I would drop anything to help someone in need. If a friend called me needing something, I would be there in a flash! But, my team mates would probably say, “sometimes it’s hard to get in touch with her.” Look at that, I am someone my friends would call if they were in trouble, that’s pretty good, but maybe I’m not available enough for my team. Ok so what can I do to make an adjustment. How about I set a schedule? OR How about I make “office hours.” If you haven’t set any boundaries with your team, they will assume you are always available. Maybe you are. But you don’t have to be. You can tell them, I am available from 9am-10pm and outside that time I will get back to you at my next availability. You are setting and managing expectations. Look, when you work for yourself and you work on your phone, you’re always on your phone, but you don’t always want to be working right? So set the boundaries and manage the expectations of your team and clients. Not only will this help you with some work-life balance, but it will also give you off time, so when you are “on” you can be “on” and DEPENDABLE!

Look, we have addressed an area where I need improvement. I have taken an objective look at my qualifications and skills and decided to make changes. But I’ve also given myself a pat on the back for the things I am doing well. Way to go me! This same principle can be used to any area of your life. Maybe your communication skills in your relationship are a 4, but your honesty is a 10. Awesome! You are super honest with your partner (not everyone can say that), pick up a book on communication in romantic relationships, make a point to work on it. 

My point here is you SHOULD take an objective look at the various areas of your life that are important to you. But you should also give yourself some credit for the stuff that you’re good at already. We are all just humans, trying to do our best. If you are making progress you are making moves. Don’t be so hard on yourself. 

“I’m (not) Fine.”

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Alright well, I took a break, but I’m BACK!

This is a tough time for those of us suffering from common mental health issues and so I wanted to chime in. 

“I’m fine.” How often do we say this, when we really don’t mean it?

How many times have your friends said “I’m fine,” and you just accepted it?

I am no longer in the service industry, but I worry about my service industry peeps. Many of us, on the outside appear to be extroverted. Energetic, talkative, social, etc. But the fact of the matter is, many of us are introverted. Behind the apron, or behind the bar we get to be someone else. Someone who is comfortable being social and interacting with strangers. We have a barrier of protection. Now with many restaurants either being closed, or servers and bartenders only being able to work limited shifts, these employees aren’t getting the social interaction they are used to. They probably spend most of their off time alone, after being exhausted by the social interaction of work. So that’s what they are used to. They aren’t used to calling up a friend to hang out or just to chat. They expect to socialize at work. 

This adjustment has been very difficult for me, as I have chosen to leave the service industry. But I can only imagine what this adjustment has been like for those who were forced into it. Humans are social creatures, being social very literally helps us to stay alive. Lonesomeness and isolation wreak havoc on our minds and our bodies. And it often leads us down paths of addiction and substance abuse. 

Addiction is sometimes referred to as a “disease of isolation, ” according to New Method Wellness. This theory works in two ways. A. Your addiction causes you to isolate yourself from loved ones and friends because of the dependent relationship you develop with the substance. Or B. Your isolation encouraged you to seek other sources of mood enhancement. Either way isolation can hurt you if you aren’t paying attention. 

So often when we go into work we are told to “leave our problems at the door.” I think we all get the premise. The customers don’t care or want to know that you’re having a bad day, and you shouldn’t take it out on them. I get that. And I’m sure that’s the same in every industry. But faking a smile and a conversation is exhausting. There is some relief at the end of the shift when you and your buddies can talk shop over a beer or two, or just walking to the parking lot. But the chances you get to have that exhale are slim due to the regulations of the pandemic. So we are forced to keep our feelings locked up until when? Until they overflow? Until we turn to another substance for relief?

I am not a substance abuse counselor, or a therapist, but I am human and one who suffers from anxiety and depression. I can’t count the number of times I have said, “I’m fine,” when I really was not fine at all. I mentioned above the dichotomy of what you see and what goes on behind the scenes with service industry folk as a reminder. What you see on the outside is not the whole story. People who are suffering are often very talented at faking it. Even if your friends instagram or facebook makes it look like they are doing great, or the last time you saw them behind the bar they were laughing and smiling, it doesn’t meant they don’t need your help or friendship. 

The moral of the story here is: ask your friends if they are ok. Even if you think they are. Even if they say, “I’m fine.” Keep checking in with them. Your small gesture means a lot to someone who feels lonely or isolated.

Also, be nice to your server or bartender. This is not ideal for them either, but they are doing the best they can. And remember they were out of work for months when leaving your tip! 

Why People Call Addiction a “Disease of Isolation”

I’ll be there for you…👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

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The whole point of my blog is to show other people, like me, dealing with anxiety and/or depression that we can do better than just “survive,” we deserve to thrive. So let’s start the day off right and wake up bright-eyed and bushy tailed, or let’s just get out of bed a little easier.

I’ve talked before about how sometimes our feelings get labeled and we just run with it, in the wrong direction. I used to watch Friends reruns every night to fall asleep. Umm…for about 6 years. This behavior could maybe be seen as “Obsessive Compulsive” and considering my dads obsessive discipline and eating disorders running in my family, it’s not that far off that I might have similar behaviors. But I had heard the words “Obsessive Compulsive,” and I was basically scared into thinking I HAD to do this every night to fall asleep.

“Bed time,” is when my anxiety really rears it’s ugly head, I imagine that’s the same for a lot of people. When I was younger I had an overwhelming fear that my house was going to be broken into and the burglar would murder my parents, and other similar variations of that scenario. I suppose when my mind has a chance to quiet, that’s when all the thoughts, “what if..,” “remember when..,” “what did I say?” come into my mind. But if I fed into my “Obsessive Compulsive” behavior, my mind could be distracted from my own thoughts. Maybe true. Maybe not. Just about every bed time study suggests that watching TV while you fall asleep is to advisable. According to the National Sleep Institute, the blue light from your TV (phone, tablet, whatever) can delay the onset of REM which is when you are in your deepest sleep. Not getting enough REM sleep can cause you to feel drowsy in the morning. And for people like me, with depression, I already have enough trouble getting up in the morning, I don’t need to be feeling drowsy too! So did I spend 5+ years not getting optimal sleep? Probably. Did that have to happen? Probably not. But I was convinced I need to maintain this behavior. Flash forward to now. I sleep with my girlfriend, who does not want to watch Friends reruns ever, much less just before bed. So guess what? I fall asleep just find without the TV.

Ok. Pause. Don’t panic. I know being alone with our own thoughts can be scary and certainly anxiety provoking. How can you keep your mind occupied but quiet at the same time? Think good thoughts. Obviously easier said than done, but let me tell you how I can do it.

  1. Let yourself think about feel the thoughts in your head. Ok. Full stop. This sounds scary and maybe like a bad idea, but hear me out. All anxiety is not bad, we know that. It’s part of our instincts that help us to survive. Anxiety disorders are the disproportionate feeling of this emotion. So back to the point, these thoughts are not all bad. So if Im going to bed, if I have these running thoughts of anxiety, I think them, or sometimes I write them down. To me, it signals to my brain, “Ok I hear you.” Acknowledge the feelings and know that you can address them at another time.
  2. Think good thoughts. Remember the things you are grateful for. Even if they are small things from that day, or an overall gratefulness for something you have in your life. Maybe 3-5 things. Think them. Think of the people associated with them and the feelings you feel.
  3. Believe you can fall asleep. Give yourself a chance to do it too. Get comfortable, close your eyes, and think to yourself, “I am falling asleep.” If you get into bed already thinking you won’t be able to do it, you are doomed from the start. And if you don’t give you self a change to even try, well you guessed it. You’re doomed. Believe it or not, you control your own thoughts, and your thoughts control your actions. It’s that simple.

Take control of your thoughts. Acknowledge the thoughts, even the ones that suck, and then change them. You have this ability, everyone does. And if you practice you will get better at it. Let me tell you an example:

My common anxiety thought before bed: Someone is going to break in and try to kill me or my family.

How I change it: Someone could try to break in, but I’ve locked the doors, I have set the alarm, and the dogs would bark if they tried. And it’s been 30 years and it’s never happened so I should be good tonight.

I’m acknowledging the fear, addressing that I’ve taken the reasonable and logical steps and thinking positively. Not too hard!

You have the power to direct your thoughts to positivity and to sleep (and to conquering you’re fears, accomplishing your goals, etc. but save that for another time.)

And like I always say, if you don’t get it one night, and you turn on your blue light of comfort, oh well! You’ll wake up maybe not as refreshed or whatever, but you’ll try again the next night. This is all about progress, not perfection. If you are trying to improve your sleep habits, you are already doing better than you were doing yesterday! And this is just the beginning of getting to the part where you are thriving and not just surviving!

SWEET DREAMS!

New York to California, theoretically.

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I’ve talked about goal setting and vision. Having a specific vision that you can imagine vividly is essential to being able to achieve your goals. But, it also takes a whole lotta faith. I am not a religious person, but I do believe in the power of your own thoughts and the power of the universe. You gotta keep your faith, even on days when your goals seem to be further and further away. And remember the Silver Lining, on days you feel you’ve failed, which by the way, you did not fail.

I am going to use an analogy that I read in “The Secret.” When you drive across country from New York to California, you cannot see the destination physically. You can imagine it. You’ve seen pictures of the destination, you can imagine the weather, the ocean breeze. You drive in the day light through scenery that is familiar, but also new territory. You also drive at night, where the headlights light up the road 100-200 feet ahead of you. You can’t see the road a mile ahead, but you know it is there. Even if there is a storm you have to drive through, or sometimes you’ll have to pull over to let the storm pass. Most often you’ll proceed with caution knowing that you will get to the other side. Sometimes, your planned route has to change because of road blocks or construction, but there is always an alternate route. There are many paths to get to California and eventually, after trusting the road will unfold, you will get there.

What does this analogy mean for me? I have big dreams (California), a big house on a lake with a lot of land where my dogs and children can have room to play. Luxary cars for my wife and I, and college funds for my kids. But there is a lot of road ahead of me before I get there. I may not be able to see all of the “road,” I have to conquer to get to “California,” but I will have to have the faith that if I keep “driving” to my goal, the next stretch of “road” will present yourself. Even if obstacles present themselves, like a storm a long the way, there is a way to the otherwise. We cannot predict the storm or plan around them but we can have faith that they will pass if we keep “driving.” We have to be adaptable. We go in with a plan, directions to get to our destination, but unexpected things can always happen. The storm, a roadblock, your car breaks down. As the “road” unveils itself, so will the obstacles, so your directions may have to change, but you’re still going towards your destination, “California.”

I take my journey to my dream day, by day. I learn new things and adapt my road map. I hit unexpected obstacles, and I have to figure them out as they come. But if I focus on my destination, the road will continue to meet me. If I hit an obstacle I have to remember how far I’ve already come, (heck, I’m already like in Texas!) and that I have already set out for my destination, there is no turning back now.

Get in your car, and GO!

Silver Lining

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I got off track. And guess what happened? I lost my mojo. I was not consistently completing my “5 Little Things” and now they are harder to do. The thing I really fell off on was reading everyday. The silver lining here is that I really see the value in reading everyday now. When I’m not feeding my mind I had less to write. My inspiration was not being sparked. I didn’t have any new ideas. Mostly I felt guilty that I had started this project of writing a blog to share my story with you, and I couldn’t stay consistent. But I also thought, “great, another thing I started and couldn’t finish because it got hard.” Story of my life: when the going gets tough…just forget about it. I’d need a whole other website to list the things that I’ve started and quit. But we cannot dwell on the past. What’s done is done. This is something I feel like I do a good job of believing. I realize it can be difficult for many. We cannot continue to punish ourselves for things not, or no longer, in our control. All we can do is manage our actions going forward. For example, because I stopped reading consistently I probably have not made the process in myself or my business and I’ve neglected my blog. The consequences: I probably won’t show up on any “mental health” blog discovery pages anytime soon, I could’ve lost a sale because I haven’t spent time developing my business skills. I could’ve messed up in my relationships because I haven’t been developing my interpersonal skills, etc. A whole slue of things could or couldn’t have happened because I neglected one of my 5 little things for a month.

Finding the silver lining is something I think I have been gifted with. With anxiety and depression this can be very difficult. Anxiety makes me think of all the possible outcomes and often focus on the worst outcomes. Depression makes me dwell on the negative things that have happened or might happen. Focusing on the negative can actually be toxic for our brains, according to Dr. Caroline Leaf, in her book, Think Lean Succeed. Believe it or not we have the power to decide what thoughts we allow into our minds. “The thoughts we focus on will grow,” Dr. Leaf says, so our challenge is NOT to focus on the negative thoughts that are constantly clouding our anxious and depressed minds. If you can find a way to focus on the positive or the silver lining, your positive thoughts will grow and you will pay less mind (literally spend less of your limited mental cash) on the negative thoughts. 

So now what?

Well I could sit here and feel sorry for myself. Punish myself for my lack of discipline, but what will that achieve? Often depression or anxiety lets us punish ourselves for far too long. We feel the guilt and regret so deeply and for so long. But in the journey to better ourselves we must remember the we are only moving forward and not looking backward. And maybe, if you are lucky, you can me the silver lining. In my case, my lack of self discipline gave me something to write about. See? Silver lining. So now I recommit to my goal. I will read everyday. I will do my best. Hopefully reading everyday will help me to write more, and if not I will have to come up with another plan.

The moral of the story was started by a friendly warthog:

You gotta put your behind in the past.

Pumba

When I am setting goals it is easy to think of other times I have failed and use those as reasons to limit myself. But we can never make improvements to our personal lives if we limit ourselves based on the results we’ve had in the past. We have to take risks. You have to focus on the positive. I may have neglected my reading for a month, but in the past 3 months I’ve probably read more books than I’ve read in my entire adult life. So that’s something to be proud of, I think. Set a goal, strive for it with all your might, and if you miss, pull up your boot straps and try again. But in the meantime, remind yourself that you have made progress in your efforts to go after the goal in the first place.